Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
