There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
