omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
