Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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