I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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