I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
