I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
