I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I could fuck to npr.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
