What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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