Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
