Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
