direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
