it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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