I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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