So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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