The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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