I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
