yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Everyone says I win the strip club
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
