Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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