Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
