I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
