god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
