My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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