If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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