Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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