Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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