i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He felt like a one man threesome
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
