You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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