My liver just broke up with me...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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