Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize