I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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