I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
