if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
tell me about the eggs
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
