Who did Billy Mays play for?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
