i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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