Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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