From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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