it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
