we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
