I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
