this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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