I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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