Moan for me like Helen Keller
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
