Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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