I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
