I feel like abortions should bother me more
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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