Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
