K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
