I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
