Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
