Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I need a burrito and a hug.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
