It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
