Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
