If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
