Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
