This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
