why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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