we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
