I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
